My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
