Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
