I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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