I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
