I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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