either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
