yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize