my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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