Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
