a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
