How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
