So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
