So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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