she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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