3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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