Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
