Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
