i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
