life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
try to milk me bitch
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