Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
