I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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