Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
