i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
