I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
