The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
