i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
