Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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