I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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