I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
