apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
