I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
