My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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