Just fell off a train. Bad.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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