Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
