I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
