Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
