Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
