well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
