Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
