Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
