I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
