your thong is hanging out like whoa
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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