How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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