I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
