i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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