just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
