Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
