hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
