Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
