you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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