I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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