Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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