I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize