I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
