Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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