I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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